Project Description

She’s the man in the reflection on the bus

Published: November 26, 2013

Today, I adventured to Washington DC to spend the holidays with family.

4:47 pm
I’m walking around 30th Street Station in Philadelphia. This building is beautiful. Customer service less so.

4:53 pm
I found the Megabus line for DC. Now, I wait. Outside. In the rain. I hope this is the right line.

5:02 pm
A man was walking up our line looking for $3.95 to help him buy something. A ticket somewhere? I didn’t give him any money. I’ve been told a bunch of times to refrain from giving money to people begging for it in the streets. Something about how services have been set up in the city to help people in need, and that those begging are generally aware of these services and choose not to use them. I hope that’s true. I still feel like a terrible person. I hope he gets to wherever he’s trying to go.

5:20 pm
My duffle bag of clothes is soaked. I almost packed my clothes in a paper bag. Really glad I didn’t do that.

5:32 pm
I got on the bus, and I went straight to the second level because that’s what you do when you ride a two story bus. Picking a seat on the lower level is like sleeping on the bottom bunk of a bunk bed. Why would anyone choose that?

5:33 pm
I’m 95% sure I’m on the right bus.

5:35 pm
Roger, a Penn kid I met after moving to Philadelphia, spotted me on the bus and shot me a text. It feels crazy to run into someone I actually know in a city so big.

5:43 pm
We have departed. Only 13 minutes late.

5:46 pm
There’s a Megabus instructional video playing:

• This bus received a pre-trip inspection. Good news. Good news.
• There’s a bathroom with an emergency button in it. I wonder what kind of emergencies people have in there.
• The bus driver in the video has a porn/cop mustache.
• Free wifi!
• The upper-level windshield has wipers too! The better for me to see you with, my dear.

5:49 pm
The man sitting next to me is watching The League. I think we’ll get along fine.

5:50 pm
The girl sitting in front of me just started watching She’s the Man on her laptop. It’s the movie with cross-dressing, soccer playing Amanda Show Bynes. I think I’ll watch it with her in the window reflection. Creepy? Probably.

5:55 pm
Traffic is not in our favor. We’ve only gone like three blocks so far.

6:01 pm
Amanda does not look like a man yet. Will update when her transformation begins.

6:04 pm
Amanda has short hair now, and a shirtless Channing Tatum is on screen. Things seem to be moving fast.

6:05 pm
Amanda put a tampon in her nose. Bold move while trying to fit in with the boys Amanda.

6:10 pm
A bearded Tobias Funke just made an appearance. Truly an all-star cast.

6:13 pm
Woman in front of me put her arm against the glass to rest her head on. I can’t see the reflection of the movie anymore. Is it rude to ask her to move her arm so we can continue enjoying the movie together?

I may have to find an alternate source of entertainment.

6:19 pm
Arm has been moved! I didn’t say anything. Promise. Just in time to see Amanda throw out all her moves to impress a female waiter. It worked! Amanda you lady-killer. Channing looks jealous. It’s okay Channing.

Also, wi-fi works!

Typing these updates is kind of exhausting. Thumbs are cramping.

6:26 pm
Amanda is grinding up on her soccer coach. They both seem to be enjoying it. Play it cool Amanda.

6:29 pm
The bus is finally moving faster than 15mph! It’s quite a bumpy ride.

Guy next to me is watching Big Bang Theory now. Maybe we won’t become as close as I had initially hoped.

6:31 pm
Amanda is helping Channing with his lady problems. Come on Channing! If you can’t do it, who can?

6:32 pm
There’s a tarantula! Why is there a tarantula? Amanda and Channing are both frightened. I’m a little frightened too. Spiders are scary.

6:34 pm
Amanda has long hair again. Her gender shifting is confusing viewers.

6:35 pm
Oh my god! Amanda is changing back into a boy ON the spinny ride at the carnival! People can see you Amanda! You’re not invisible! Avert your eyes children!

6:37 pm
Another transformation in the bouncy castle. Think of the children Amanda!

6:38 pm
Amanda is in girl form in front of Channing! Bold move Amanda since, you know, your boy form isn’t Channing’s trusted roommate or anything.

6:39 pm
They’re totally making out now! Finally.

6:40 pm
There’s a fight! Not between the new lovers. Channing is fighting some other dude, and… Channing has a tampon in his nose.

6:49 pm
Where does boy Amanda hide all of girl Amanda’s extra hair?

6:51 pm
Did the handsome and talented Drake Bell just make an appearance?

6:56 pm
Movie is paused. The suspense is killing me!

7:08 pm
False Drake Bell sighting. Drake Bell does not make an appearance in this film.

7:14 pm
Is Amanda supposed to be in high school or college?

7:16 pm
Another fight on the soccer field. Control your temper Channing.

7:17 pm
I’m no lip reader, but I think boy Amanda just professed her/his love to Channing on the soccer field. Things are getting real real quick.

7:18 pm
Amanda reveals that she is in fact not a man. Dun dun dun!

7:19 pm
And… Amanda’s boobs are out. Surely there must be a better way Amanda.

The emotions on Channing’s face… so many emotions.

7:20 pm
Everyone seems happy! Except the other coach. He’s not happy, but no one seems to care about his feelings. Poor guy.

7:21 pm
Channing just did one of those flippy soccer ball throw-ins. Go red team go!

7:23 pm
Amanda just ninja kicked the ball into the goal! It’s over! We win!

7:24 pm
Everybody on the field is pairing up and making out. The nerdy white girl and the black guy are all over each other. Looks like love to me.

7:26 pm
Channing just got a big wheel of cheese in the mail?

I think someone’s getting married.

7:27 pm
Channing made it to the wedding! We get it Channing. You’re good looking.  Stop flaunting it.

7:29 pm
Maybe it’s a fashion show and not a wedding?

7:30 pm
Amanda and Channing are making out on the runway. The crowd goes wild. Why does the crowd care?

7:31 pm
More soccer.

Credits.

What a ride!

8:08 pm
There are a lot of cars traveling in the direction that isn’t toward DC.

8:22 pm
The wi-fi sucks.

9:09 pm
We’re driving in a city now. Probably DC.

9:16 pm
Union Station!

9:24 pm
Bought a Metro ticket.

9:31 pm
On the Metro.

9:34 pm
A billion people just got on at the last stop. Wizards game?

9:38 pm
Guy announcing the stops is inaudible. I hope I don’t miss my stop.

9:52 pm
Didn’t miss my stop!

9:55 pm
I’m on the world’s biggest escalator.

9:59 pm
I see my uncle! Cherish your family people. You’ve only got the one.

Total travel time: 5 hours, 12 minutes

Number of updates: >50

Necessary? Nope. Worth it? I don’t know.

Cheers.

***

Image credit: Daniel Roe