Project Description

‘Twas the night before DreamWorks

Published: February 22, 2015

This post is coming to you super late. I drafted this bad boy on June 1st, 2014, the eve of my first day at PDI/DreamWorks. My mind flooded with things I wanted to capture, so I wrote them down. Even eight months removed, this post still feels timely. Many of the thoughts and fears I couldn’t shake back in June returned to me a few weeks ago in the days leading up to my start date at Blue Sky.

Brace yourselves for a rambling, emotional, and somewhat nonsensical journey through my psyche. I learned a lot about myself writing this. I hope you learn something too.

I’m sitting on an airplane. Aisle seat. Destination: San Francisco. Holy shit, I’m spending the summer in San Francisco. DreamWorks, here I come! I want to shout. Well, I feel like I should want to shout. I mostly just want to sit in silence though.

My mind’s racing. I’m feeling nervous. I’m feeling a lot of things.

I didn’t sleep last night. Not a wink. Dumb expression aside, instead of sleeping, I finally filled out my DreamWorks employment paperwork. Paperwork mailed to me months ago. Procrastination and I have a carefree relationship, but last night I wanted to kick my personified vision of my bad habit in the mouth.

It was 2am when I realized I needed two pieces of identification for my I-9. I have my driver’s license with me. Check. My social security card is 1000 miles away in Omaha. Strike. I mailed away my birth certificate to the U.S. Department of State a week ago. Strike two. And I don’t have a passport, hence me mailing away my birth certificate. Strike three. Does my student ID count for something? Oops. Not the outstanding first impression with HR I was hoping for. My first mistake, and I haven’t even set foot inside the studio. Dammit.

Anyway, I didn’t sleep last night. I tried and failed to complete my paperwork, packed my things, and then sat on a couch in the basement. I tried to read, but the shadowy parts of the ceiling overhead seemed more interesting than the words on the page. I rationalized my behavior: If I sleep, it’ll be hard to wake up in time for my flight. In all honesty, I was too nervous to sleep. Too scared to sleep.

I’m calling it fear, but the feelings are distinct from the kinds of fear I’m used to. Related but unique. For me, fear is butterflies in my stomach. Fear is not wanting to go through with something. Fear is stepping out of line and waiting at a bench nearby instead of riding the roller coaster with your friends. Fear is rejecting the opportunity to speak at graduation. Opting instead to sit in a crowd of your classmates and blend into the ceremony. Fear is getting out of the car without asking your best friend on a date when there’s nothing you want to do more.

What I’m feeling now isn’t that. I don’t have butterflies in my stomach. I think I should, but I don’t. I’m terrified of messing this internship up. It’s a huge opportunity. It’s fulfillment of the exact thing I’ve been working toward for the last seven years, since way back in high school. I want this summer to go well. More than anything I’ve ever wanted, I think. I want to make a good impression. I’m worried I won’t. I’m worried about a lot of things:

  • I’m worried I’ll be late to my orientation tomorrow.
  • I’m worried I’ll step into a bummer cubicle farm instead of a whimsical cartoon factory.
  • I’m worried the program won’t partner me with a mentor.
  • I’m worried my coworkers won’t have time to teach me.
  • I’m worried I’ll be too scared to introduce myself to anyone.
  • I’m worried my coworkers won’t like me after I do muster up the courage to introduce myself.
  • I’m worried I won’t like them.
  • I’m worried people will think I’m unintelligent or unqualified or awkward.
  • I’m worried I’ll be too scared or shy to ask the questions I need answered.
  • I’m worried I’ll make a bad impression.
  • I’m worried I won’t make any impression.
  • I’m worried I’ll be overwhelmed.
  • I’m worried I won’t be able to do the things people ask me to do.

I’m worried about non-work related things too:

  • I’m worried my roommate will think I’m boring.
  • I’m worried my tiny apartment in San Francisco will feel depressing.
  • I’m worried I’ll feel unsafe walking around the city at night.
  • I’m worried I won’t explore and take advantage of my summer in San Francisco.
  • I’m worried I won’t have time to work on my demo reel.

That’s a lot of worries, so where are my butterflies?

Even though I’m terrified of almost everything that waits for me on the horizon (DreamWorks, living in a new city, the possibility of my dream job being a disappointment, the exhausting process of applying for full-time positions after the internship, graduation, yet another move), I think the butterflies are missing because I’m confident in all my recent choices. In fact, I can’t remember a time I’ve ever been more confident. Accepting the DreamWorks offer and moving cross country into the unknown didn’t feel like a decision. It was just something I needed to do. I didn’t have to wrestle existential questions of intention or purpose or benefit before taking the job. It just felt right. It just feels right. It’s exciting. It’s the thing I want most. At least, right now it is.

This world is large and winding and bewildering and far too often, it’s cold. Disappointment comes easy. Love comes much harder. On the rare occasion you find love, it’s hard to identify it as such. Euphoria is fleeting. How does one identify love when they’re not sure they’ve ever felt it before? When discovery and realization finally sync up, it’s exciting. It’s also scary. It can be terrifying. What if you pull it in close for embrace only to realize your feelings dissipate as the distance closes? What if you linger too long without committing and the opportunity disappears? Finding people and things we love in this big wide world is difficult. Maybe the most difficult. Each encounter is a tiny miracle.

Animation is one of the few things I know I love wholly. I recognized the feelings a few years ago, but this flight is the closest I’ve come to giving myself up to them. It’s a surreal feeling.

Besides nervous, afraid, and excited, I feel crazy thankful. Thankful for the opportunities I have now and have had in the past, but also thankful for the huge pile of people supporting me. So many people. More than anyone deserves. And standing at the top of that pile, silhouetted by the sun, are my parents.

Thanks for always loving and supporting me. Thanks for pushing me to do better and encouraging me to try new things. Thanks for always knowing what’s going on in my life and for always caring. Thanks for being excited about the things that excite me. Thanks for walking with me when I told you I wanted to make cartoons for a living instead of blocking the path in front of me. I wouldn’t be on my way to DreamWorks now without you. Thanks for helping make my dreams more than dreams. Thanks for encouraging me to be happy and guiding me toward that happiness.

I can’t stop smiling. I think I’ve been smiling since February. Literally (actually literally, not figuratively literally) hundreds of times since DreamWorks offered me this internship, I broke into involuntary fits of smiling. How can I not smile? I’m so fucking lucky to have an opportunity to do the work I’ve fantasized about doing for so long. I wonder if anyone else on this plane is as happy as I am right now. I’m on my way to fulfill a long held dream. I wonder how many around me are living out their own dreams. It’s surprising how quickly things can fall into place when you have smart people guiding you, loving people supporting you, and a little courage to do something scary.

Some unsolicited parting advice:

  • Don’t wait until two nights before your employment start date to look through your paperwork for the first time.
  • Drink lots of water when traveling. Headaches aren’t fun. I always forget to drink water on airplanes. Guess who has a headache right now.
  • Go see How to Train Your Dragon 2 when it releases next week. It’s cool to support the things supporting the people you care about.

And some parting words for myself to pump me up or something: Work hard. Be technically proficient, or at least pretend to be technically proficient convincingly. Make friends. Be someone you’d want to work with. Explore. Have fun. All moments are what you make them. Enjoy it all while being mindful of it all. Don’t forget how hard you worked to get here. Don’t forget how appreciative you are to be here. Life’s gonna get hard come August, so try to enjoy the days and weeks ahead!

I have goosebumps. Only a few more hours now…

Cheers.

***

Image credit: Liane Metzler